Pride through Prejudice- Navigating Mental Health and Embracing LGBTQ+ Identity
Growing up while living with mental illness in the South was hard. Being gay only added to the struggle. It has been a challenge throughout my life to find genuine support and empowerment to be myself. I’ve been aware of my sexuality for as long as I can remember, but I kept the knowledge close to my chest until my late teen and early adult years. I was filled with fear of abandonment and concern for my safety. I had mastered the skill of hiding my true self.
From a young age, I felt that I was different and didn’t belong. Even in my early school years, anxiety consumed me, and the thought of going to school would make me sick with worry. School only served as a reminder of how different and "weird" I felt, and the fear of no one picking me up after school intensified these anxieties.
In middle school, I attempted to blend in as much as possible, aware that being gay was seen as wrong by many around me. I became adept at camouflage, to the point that when a bus I was on crashed, no one even knew I was there to inform my family. However, any time my true self surfaced, I became a target for bullying. The intolerance I experienced even extended to my church, leading me to eventually stop attending.
In search of acceptance, I transferred to a Christian school, hoping for a more welcoming environment. Unfortunately, I encountered more hostility. My depression got worse, and I turned to sports to fill my time and get my mind off of things. Sports were a temporary reprieve, but I could not shake the depression. I could not take the relentless preaching about how being gay is “a sin, a disease, and if you are gay, you will burn in hell” and we were taught to “not even speak to gays”.
As I got older, it became even harder to hide my true self. I wished so badly that I could come out as gay, but I knew that in my situation, I was incredibly unsafe. I was so scared that someone would find out about me and out me, and they did - multiple times. Each time, my mother punished me and said cruel things. I tried to come out to her, but she said that I was not allowed to “be gross like that”, and that I “have to marry a white man if I want to have a life”. I shut down. I was deeply scarred from the times that others “told on me”.
I started working at age 16. Each paycheck, I saved money for a “safety coming out fund,” in case I were to be disowned. I began taking a few college classes in 10th grade just in case something happened. I was consumed with anxiety, always on edge and waiting for my world to crumble. My severe anxiety eventually manifested as severe OCD, depression, ADHD, PMDD, and C-PTSD. I self-harmed to cope. I distracted myself with many things, including relationships - some resulted in physical and emotional abuse. I allowed those around me to strip me of my power and I lost trust in everyone. My mom’s attempts to mold me into someone I wasn’t only fueled my rebellion. Eventually, I knew I had to reclaim my power, independence, and live life on my terms- but it was much easier said than done.
In my senior year of high school, I confided in my doctor about my mental struggles, marking the beginning of my journey to find the right medication. Moving to the University of Alabama at Birmingham for college provided the distance I needed to grow comfortable in my own skin. It allowed me to form my own thoughts, express my opinions, and find my voice. I began achieving things I never thought possible: moving out, working full-time, attending college, buying my own car, and ultimately graduating. Simultaneously, I started embracing my sexuality, standing up for myself and others, becoming a safe space and advocate. I refused to let others dictate how I should live my life.
In 2022, I met my girlfriend and relocated to Knoxville. I completed my college studies online and began trauma therapy. The support system I found in Knoxville has been instrumental in my healing journey. My parents got divorced, and my dad began to make an effort to better understand me and the struggles that LGBT+ individuals face. He has grown to be a huge support in my life.
I have three dogs and a cat that bring me joy and purpose every day. The constant fight-or-flight feeling no longer consumes me when I wake up. Instead, I face each day with courage and strength, unapologetically embracing who I am. Joining firsthand, a month before graduating college, proved to be a transformative experience. This job awakened a passion I never knew I had, and I realized my potential to make a difference. When I reflect on my life, I know that the younger version of me, the little Mallory who never thought I would be able to live unapologetically as my true self, would be incredibly proud of the person I've become.
