What if it All Works Out? - My firsthand Journey
I was diagnosed with major depression at age 18 and then Bipolar 2 in my late 20s. When I was 47, I began having more frequent and severe depressive episodes. I went to a new psychiatrist, and he thought that I had undiagnosed ADD rather than type 2 bipolar disorder. He took me off of my mood stabilizer, antidepressant, and antipsychotic and put me on a low dose of Adderall. He said that for some people, this is a silver bullet. He said I would know pretty soon if it was working. What he failed to mention was that this medicine might induce mania if the bipolar diagnosis was correct.
Within days, I was feeling like a new person. I lost weight and felt increased energy and confidence. As my mood continued to improve, I was unaware that I was entering into a full blown manic episode. Everything was great until it wasn’t. I ended up in a mixed episode where I was feeling intense rage and agitation and was unable to sleep. I was completely out of control and had no awareness of reality. I remember thinking that nothing was wrong with me. It was everyone else who didn’t understand. I ended up in the hospital. This was the beginning of the worst two years of my life.
When I was discharged from the hospital for the final time, I was sitting in my therapist’s office in complete despair. At age 49, I had just been discharged from my fourth psychiatric hospital stay in 2 years. I was recovering from multiple manic and mixed episodes and trying to come to grips with the disaster that my life had become. The mania had led to many terrible decisions that wreaked havoc on my family and me.. I had just found out that a friend I had made in the hospital, who I considered to be my closest friend at the time, had stolen all of my private information and passwords when he had borrowed my computer several months earlier. He had been using this information to steal from my family and me.. That day in my therapist’s office, I was going through a litany of what ifs when my therapist suggested what I thought to be a ridiculous response to my situation - What if it all works out? It was just a brief comment that has been one of my mantras ever since.
While I was slowly putting my life back together, I decided that I wanted to become a peer support specialist. During those dark days, I knew I would have benefited from talking to someone who had experiences similar to mine. Through this process, I slowly became more comfortable sharing my story with friends and family. Once I completed my certification, I started sharing my story with peers as well as other individuals when appropriate. I didn’t realize how liberating this would be. I shared weekly in the bipolar support group that I facilitated as well as in volunteer peer support roles that I held.
When I came to firsthand, I was so excited to know that as a firsthand Guide, I was hired because of my mental illness rather than in spite of it. Even though I knew this and was comfortable sharing my story in certain situations, I reverted to my old ways of thinking when I began to struggle and feel overwhelmed in the job.
I started last November as a firsthand Guide and loved everything about the job. I was doing work that I felt passionate about and felt proud to work for a company that truly embodied all of their values. I was also working with an amazing team in Memphis.
In February, as my caseload grew, I began to feel overwhelmed. I did not share how I felt with my supervisor or co-workers. I was still holding onto long-held beliefs that mental illness was a character flaw and something to be ashamed of.
Despite continued positive feedback from Jess, my manager, I believed my distorted thinking that was telling me that I couldn’t handle the job and was going to get fired. My catastrophizing ultimately led to me not wanting to get out of bed and calling in sick to work. I still didn’t tell Jess what was going on. In my mind, it was okay if I was physically sick, but not mentally ill.
It soon became clear that I was struggling with mental health. Jess told me to take as many days as I needed and that we would work together to find accommodations that would help me return to work feeling productive and supported by her and firsthand. Despite her offers of support, I was still believing my thoughts instead of facts and was convinced that I was losing my job.
Ora, the Director of Operations in Memphis, also shared how much she valued me as an employee and offered suggestions for possible accommodations. Once again, I listened to my distorted thinking instead of facts.
When I was copied on an email from Ora to Amy (Chief People Officer), I really freaked out. I remember thinking - oh no, HR is involved, now I’m really in trouble. Once I was able to step back and process what was happening, I realized that everyone really did want to help.
I worked with Jess to figure out my main stressors and determine what accommodations could be made. These stressors included difficulty concentrating in a small, shared office space and my growing caseload. As a solution to difficulty concentrating in a small workspace, Jess suggested working at the library, coffee shop, or in an unused office or conference room. The best fit for me is working in an available office or conference room. I really enjoy being in the same office as my teammates while having a quiet space when I need to focus.
Figuring out how to manage my caseload has definitely been a work in progress. Jess is a wonderful manager who gives us complete autonomy to find the best system that works for us. This is amazing but also overwhelming at times. Initially, I took long written notes about every interaction with my individuals on paper and then entered everything in our electronic health record.. This quickly became unmanageable as my caseload grew. I started writing fewer notes and ended up creating a daily to-do list. What’s working for me now is a daily list I created on Google Docs. It includes appointments/meetings, to-do items, phone calls/texts, home visits, and questions for my supervisor. I am also able to create tasks in this document that show up on my Google calendar.
I want to thank Jess, Ora, Amy, and my teammates for their continued support. Because of this support, I am able to show up to work with all of my Rachel-ness.. One of my daughters recently asked me how I act at work. I happily told her - just like I do at home.
Because of this experience, I have learned that when I have future struggles with my mental health, I will talk openly with Jess and my teammates so that we can work through them together. I would also encourage anyone on the firsthand team reading this who is struggling with their mental health to reach out to their supervisor, a co-worker, or anyone they feel comfortable with and know that firsthand will be there to support them.
In the weeks since I shared my story at firsthand’s bi-weekly all-company meeting, I have been reflecting on my mental health diagnosis and personal recovery journey. When I was reading the pre-test questions for bipolar disorder month, I was reminded of how I let my bipolar diagnosis control my life for many years. I had convinced myself that I couldn’t do certain things because I live with bipolar disorder. At times, I limited my career choices to prevent me from becoming overwhelmed and spiraling into depression. That all changed when I took my current job as a firsthand Guide. This job pushes me beyond my comfort zone in a good way. At age 51, I am living the best version of myself. Since working at firsthand, I have realized that I am my only limit. I now not only feel comfortable sharing my story, I am proud to let others know that I am the one in control of my life, not the bipolar disorder. For others living with bipolar disorder, please know that with proper treatment, you too can live a fulfilling life.
July 2023- Exciting Update- Rachel has been promoted to Training Specialist on firsthand’s Learning & Development Team! With her deep understanding and commitment to providing compassionate support for individuals living with serious mental illnesses and their communities, Rachel will now focus on educating and preparing our new teams in upcoming markets.
